Change the Way You Think

First, I have to acknowledge that I know it has been a couple years since I have posted. I entered Graduate School and I will say no more. I was poking around in the message boards, as I do from time to time, and ran across a post from a woman who seemed to despair over the frustrations that go along with being a RAD parent. In her post, she beat herself up over past mistakes. I can certainly relate to her frustration and pain. I know that our circumstances are probably very different; nonetheless, it is still very challenging being the parent of a RAD child. I too have made many mistakes in the past just as all parents have. The key for all of us is not to give up - always Fight! What I have found helpful is to definitely meditate on a daily basis. Nothing fancy, just taking 10-15 minutes a day to find a quiet space (a closet, the bathroom, wherever I can find peace) to just completely clear my thoughts. What I have also found helpful is changing the way that I talk about my child. Pastor Joel Osteen always says to "Speak favor over your child!" Instead of thinking negative thoughts or visualizing negative outcomes, I trust in that higher power and BELIEVE that things will get better. I know how difficult it can be. We just have to look at our children to find the goodness in them and focus solely on that. Children are extremely intuitive. They pick up on negative vibes and they feed off of that. I know this to be true first hand. Many times, when I change my attitude, I find that my child instinctively changes his. We must remember that we cannot change the past, but we can certainly change what we do right now. Everyday is a challenge and we just have to take it one day at a time.

Write a love letter to your child

Through all of the challenging times when I have wanted to just throw my hands up to God and say “HELP ME,” there have probably been an equal amount of times when I could not imagine what my life would be like if I did not have my son.

A few weeks ago, as I lay in bed with my child to help him get to sleep, I looked at his angelic face. He seemed so peaceful. I started thinking about how my life has changed since he’s become a member of our family.

I thought to myself how if only he knew exactly how much he meant to me, perhaps it could somehow make a difference. I wanted to communicate to him, so that he’d know, how much I love him.

Sure, we tell our children we love them and show them in little ways, but do they really know? Our children know that we are here to improve their lives and give them unconditional love. But, I’m not so sure we often think about the value they bring into our lives.

I immediately went to my computer to write a love letter to him. I wanted to share with him verbally; give him specific examples, something tangible that would relay to him that it wasn’t just a one way street. He has improved my life as well.

Because of him, I have a better relationship with God. I make a conscious effort to stay physically fit (to keep up with him), and I am not afraid to be a kid again. I am more patient and compassionate. I’ve learned to slow down a bit and enjoy life. Did I save his life or did he save mine?

The next morning when he woke up I informed him that I had written him a letter and asked him to read it. He wanted me to read it to him instead, so I did. When I finished, I looked up at his face and tears were streaming down it. He looked at me and told me that he too loved me very much and gave me a really big hug.

It was one of the most powerful moments I have ever experienced.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (Part I)

Reactive Attachment Disorder has been around for quite some time; however there seem to be a lot of parents who remain bewildered (understandably so) with regards to helping their children. Some of the journals I have read have done a great job providing the definition and diagnosis of RAD, but few offer detailed treatment plans – other than therapy - that parents can follow.

I cannot recount the multiple situations our family was faced with in which I did not know how to react. Frustration, anger, sadness and hopelessness were feelings I had on a daily basis. It wasn't always easy to get through to the loving little boy I knew.

Last year I came across the book, Children: the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. This is an outstanding book! The author not only describes scenarios for various challenging day-to-day situations, but he offers ideas on what to actually do.

Another reason this book is so great is because it forces parents to look at their own behaviors and attitudes when interacting during adverse situations. It really opened my eyes to what I was doing wrong and how I might have contributed in escalating the problem. Just like my child had no experience in how to cope with certain circumstances, I realized nor did I.

I highly recommend this book. If you want less stress, then this book is an absolute must read.

How Much Information is Too Much Information?

As an adoptive parent, especially one who has adopted an “older” child, I feel like I have been on a continual journey to not only help my child, but understand him. While many perspective parents search for infants, there are those of us who simply want a child no matter the age (by the way . . . kudos to all adoptive parents). And while going through the adoptive process, we live in a sort of blissful state imagining that the new member to our family will bring nothing but joy and we will ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

HAULT!!!

I’m sure there are many families who receive well adjusted children who adapt into their new environments easily and effortlessly. However, the reality is that often these children have suffered horrific traumas . . . hence; they would not be in a foster care system or in various shelters.

So, now we have moved past the honeymoon phase and it is time to face the reality that we have children who are broken. What I mean by that term is that their spirits are broken. They were not provided the opportunity of loving and nurturing parents; something that most people take for granted and also expect as a right. These children come into our homes and we suddenly discover that we are not equipped to deal with their needs. There are two ways of coping. Either we let the situation control our lives or we figure out a way to help the child by educating ourselves.

Once I realized that our family was in dire need of assistance, I began to read whatever I could get my hands on. There were books and journals I found on my own and those that various experts recommended. But, how much information is too much information? Sometimes I feel like I’m on information overload. Aside from our regularly scheduled therapeutic appointments (in which I highly recommend), I have read several books on child rearing and behavior. One book tells you to parent your child in a certain way, while others provide a complete contradiction. There are those books that I absolutely live by and those that are so vague that they don’t quite address our specific needs.

Another genre that I have explored is books on spirituality. I have found that there are certain practices designed for adults to help clear the mind and stay focused that are absolutely applicable to children with diagnosis such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Mood Disorder Not otherwise Specified (MD-NOS), and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

What I have discovered during my four and half year journey with my beautiful son is that reading books, journals, and viewing any other form of media intended to assist in raising a healthy child is a lot like going through life. There are certain experiences that offer extremely valuable information and others that supply pieces of information while the rest can be discarded.

Sometimes we make certain attempts in our lives and find that they work great, other times we learn they don’t work so well. Although many of our children who have experienced trauma at an early age display similar behaviors, we certainly know that there is no cookie cutter or fix all situation that applies.

Our family has learned to first and foremost connect with a doctor or therapist who is completely in tune with our child’s needs. Secondly, we are that child’s parents. We live with him day to day and experience the various ups and downs. Sometimes unconventional methods really work.

The bottom line for my child and my family is that no amount of information is ever too much. You just have to sort out the bits of information that is applicable to your specific situation.